Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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