in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
