When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
