your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Randomize
