i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
