New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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