At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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