I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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