Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
