Im at strip club and am horny
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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