Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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