Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I had to cum in my sink.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
