They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
