Kareoke will never be a sober sport
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
