SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
