I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
