im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
