You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
