I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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