I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
