You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
