ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
