Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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