Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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