allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
