Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
