I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
