never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
