Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
