So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
