someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
