oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
