Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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