Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
