My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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