You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
