I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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