Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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