My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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