I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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