This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
