it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
