If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
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