I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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