She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
