o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
zippers are such a cool invention
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
