You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
