She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
