If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I am available for nakedness
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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