yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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