i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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