Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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