i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
